The quality of our lives is greatly influenced by the quality of our relationships. It’s through relationships that we grow more through than any other aspect of lives. And the greatest truth is that all our relationships reflect our relationship with Presence, which is the Divine. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment, which is life itself, then all our relationships will reflect this primary dysfunction back to us. If we choose to separate ourselves from the Light of the Divine (Presence), then we shall pay the high price for walking in the darkness of our own creation – the time-bound mind, anchored in past and future.
So where do we begin in our journey to shift the quality of our relationships? Well let’s first begin by shifting our beliefs and expectations about relationships, and what they should, could or ought to bring us.
The first misperception about love and relationships is that it is the others duty to make you feel a certain way:
It’s my partner’s responsibility to make me feel loved.
It’s my partner’s responsibility to make me feel secure.
It’s my partner’s responsibility to make me feel happy.
It’s my mother’s responsibility to make me feel loved.
It’s my father’s responsibility to make me feel secure.
It’s my friend’s responsibility to make me feel happy, and so on.
What we are attracted to in another is what we believe we do not have. In truth we do have, this quality, but do not recognise or see it. (This misperception of personal lack is the underlying hook in all co-dependent relationships.)
Healing through relationships is to make the unconscious conscious, and this is the primary purpose of relationships. Until we can truly see the magnificence and love in ourselves, our relationships will be dysfunctional, for how can we give that which we don’t acknowledge and accept we already have within us?
While we yearn to be loved unconditionally, most people are only prepared to give love conditionally. In truth love is not about control or ownership or expectations or having one’s egoic needs met. Love is rather the fragrance of a flowering and fully awakened heart-centred consciousness – fully aware of oneness, and accepting and embracing of all life in an unconditional, non-judgemental way, wanting for the other what they want for themselves.
“Real love is always in the Present
Egoic love is always in the past and Future” – OSHO
To love is to recognize yourself, your true deep Beingness, in another, for the ‘other’ is but merely a mirror. Look deep and recognise your Divine essence in all you meet and all you see. That is love.
And as Carl Jung stated:
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
While fear and anxiety are the perception of disconnection, love is a feeling of connection to life and all the people around us.
Co-Dependency & Attachment
Co-dependency means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself; putting the relationship ahead of personal peace. Co-dependents only know themselves by the reflected light of the relationship. Relationships are only ever conditional vehicles of experience, and as such should never be placed above the real living humans involved.
The opposite of a co-dependent relationship arises from an inner-dependence: people who look to their inner stillness for their security and source of self-worth and love, and who know who and what they are. These awakened people then freely enjoy the dance and enrichment that relationships offer, needing nothing but the love experience contained in each and every moment.
Fear of Endings
Relationships are forms arising in the ever changing flow of time and life’s experience, and as such are constantly subject to change. Like all forms relationships are subject to birth and when their purpose is over, death. It’s to celebrate their comings and also to bless their goings with gratitude in ones heart for the enriching experiences they deliver to us.
While that which arises in form comes and goes, that which is never born never dies; so the true formless essence of love is eternally present. Even when relationships die, love remains. The pain we feel from the ending of a love relationship, through either death or dissolution, is natural, but know this; while the wave dies the ocean of love remains, ever present, should we have the awakened awareness to see it.
“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” ― Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
In the end, the only truly meaningful experience of life is love.
“A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego
with its image-making and self-seeking.
In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention (listening) toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.” ― Eckhart Tolle
5 KEYS to experiencing a Fulfilled Relationship…
- ELIMINATE CRITICISM AND BLAME, OF YOURSELF AND THE OTHER.
Freeing a relationship from blame and criticism is like drawing back the curtains and letting the warm, bright, morning sunshine in. And both parties have to make a dedicated effort to eliminate this from the relationship. It does take major commitment, effort and perseverance to accomplish this, but the rewards are liberating and so worth the effort. Self-reflected guilt and shame are only useful if they help us to change our behaviour, and only if administered in a light enough dose not to cause long lasting resentment or damage to the relationship and that they don’t hang around for long as an entrenched military position. It’s to remember that blame and criticism, of both self and the other, are most times an addictive behaviour, and a self-protection tactic by the ego from truly dealing with one’s own insecurities and one’s own lack of self-love and self-worth.
- OWN YOUR OWN FEELINGS
While the common illusion dictates that it is the outside world that is the cause of our life’s ups and downs, it in fact the world we mentally construct within us that is the true source. It is our thoughts about the world that creates our internal experiences, and it is our repetitive habitual thoughts about people and ‘stuff’ that we become attached to. Change our thoughts and we change our experience.
Tip: Find how you want to feel, and then think thoughts that support that feeling.
Take back your power to feel from the world of circumstance. Take full responsibility for how you feel. We are the creator of our internal experience. This is really the only thing that matters in our life’s journey. Remember – A change in feeling is a change in destiny.
- ALWAYS MAKE THE PRESENT MOMENT MORE IMPORTANT THAN PAST AND FUTURE
Reality is only ever now. While the mind tends to make the past and future so very vital and important, love is only accessible to us in the present moment. Time (mind – past and future) suffocates and kills the vitality of love. For relationships to sustain, they must be fed with the light of presence. Let the should’s, could’s, ought to have’s, go, and realise that this moment now is unique and precious, and not to be wasted on regrets.
MAKE LISTENING TWICE AS IMPORTANT AS RESPONDING
While the other is speaking, rather than strategising a response, just be the empty space for the conversation to unfold in. Become very still inside and watch the magic of presence unfold in miraculous ways. You will find your words flowing more from the heart rather than from the conditioned, automatic and insecure mind.
- ALLOW – THE OTHER TO BE AS THEY ARE
Love the other for who they are, not for who you wish or would want them to be. You will more than likely find that as you love them for who they are, they will reflect that back to you, for as mentioned earlier, all relationships are mirrors. If you really find the others unacceptable, then leave. The Universe will always look after you, never be concerned. But leave in love, not in anger or resistance, for such negative energy will have to be balanced at some future time.
Remember: ALLOWING AND ACCEPTING – IS LOVE
We yearn to be accepted for just who we are, unconditionally, so let’s give some of that to the world. Let’s be less judgemental, less conditional. Let us invite unconditional love into our awareness, into our lives today.
All our relationships reflect our selves.
They are mirrors of our own soul.
Much love and blessings,